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There’s something deeply disorienting about discovering, years later, that someone close to you was quietly shaping your emotions, tilting them in directions you never saw coming. I learned this firsthand in my relationship with my son’s father.
Over time, I found myself spiralling whenever he employed his go-to tactics: the silent treatment or stonewalling, and triangulation—looping in his sister or friends to make me feel lesser, unseen, inferior. Those tactics felt corrosive, chipping away at my sense of self and concealing truth under a crafted façade of confusion.
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At the time, I didn’t have the language to describe what was happening. I just knew the emotional world that belonged to me was shrinking, thread by thread. But now, with my son at 18 and a few years free from that relationship, I can see it clearly.
The ‘flying monkeys’—his network of people, wittingly or not, reinforcing his narrative—have begun to wake up to his abusive behaviour. And me? I’ve woken up, too. The old patterns don’t unsettle me anymore, because I understand them—for what they are, and how to hold them at arm’s length.
If you’ve ever felt powerless in someone else’s emotional game, this post is for you. Let’s walk through fifteen common manipulation tactics—the ones that confuse you, erode your boundaries, and leave you wondering, Am I really the problem?
15 Signs You’re Being Manipulated (Without Realising It)
1. Gaslighting: eroding your sense of reality
Gaslighting is a slow leak in your sense of self. You’ll notice yourself replaying conversations in your head, doubting what you remember, or apologising when you shouldn’t. Phrases like “That never happened” or “You’re imagining things” aren’t slip-ups—they’re intentional. According to the Cleveland Clinic, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that actively undermines your ability to trust yourself and others. It’s about deception, not forgetfulness—and once you spot the pattern, reclaiming your voice becomes the first step toward healing.
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2. Silent Treatment / Stonewalling: frozen affection as a weapon
When they go quiet on you—no response to texts, avoidance of eye contact, or refusing to discuss anything important—that’s stonewalling. It’s a way to punish or exert control without saying a word. Psychology experts describe it as “refusing to communicate to punish” and a hallmark of emotional manipulation. You’ll find yourself walking on eggshells, waiting for the thaw. If silence has become their strategy, it’s time to treat it as a red flag, not a phase.
3. Triangulation: making others a wedge between you
This tactic often flies under the radar. You’ll hear lines like, “Your sister thinks you’re overreacting,” or “A friend said you’ve been acting distant.” Suddenly, you’re not just facing one person; you’re contending with opinions from the shadows. Mental health professionals point to triangulation as a classic tool for narcissistic control, aimed squarely at isolating you and sowing doubt (healthline.com). Spotting it is the first step in refusing to be pulled into their alliances.
4. Guilt-tripping / Emotional blackmail: your empathy turned against you
Manipulators know that guilt is a powerful lever. They may remind you of all the good they’ve done, or hint at disappointment when you don’t comply. Therapist Susan Forward coined the acronym “FOG”—fear, obligation, and guilt—to describe how this tactic traps you emotionally. It’s not kindness. That tug in your chest? It’s a signal your boundaries have been breached.
5. Passive-aggressive behaviour: bitterness in sugarcoated form
Instead of saying what’s wrong, they sulk, delay, or “forget” things systematically. They might deliver a backhanded compliment or pretend they’re clueless about any tension. Psychology Today notes that passive-aggression is a way to channel hostility in ways that feel acceptable, but damage is still done. If their refusal to engage overtly comes with undercurrents of negativity, label it for what it is: covert sabotage.
6. Love bombing: affection used to manipulate
It may sound flattering at first—the texts, the gifts, the constant praise. But sudden, extreme affection followed immediately by criticism or coldness is a red flag. Love bombing sets you up emotionally, raising the stakes, then withdrawing them to keep you off-balance. If warmth comes with strings, catalogue it as a tactic, not tenderness.
7. Isolation: slowly cutting you off from your support system
Manipulative partners often work subtly here. They might joke dismissively about your friends or guilt you for wanting to spend time apart. A little at first—a “just us” weekend, a preference for inside jokes—can grow into emotional dependence. Only later do you realise how much you’ve lost. Keep an eye on whether your circle is shrinking—by design, not chance.
8. Hoovering: ghost, then reappears for control
Named after the vacuum brand, ‘hoovering’ is their comeback tour. After ghosting you, they’ll re-emerge with apologies, gifts, declarations of change—even if nothing’s actually shifted. It’s not repentance—it’s manipulation. If their return feels more like a reset than growth, trust that inkling.
9. Blame-shifting: you’re always at fault
You say your piece, and suddenly it’s turned around: “I only yelled because you wouldn’t listen,” or “I acted like that because you made me feel bad.” You apologise for their emotions. Blame-shifting is emotional triangulation 2.0: misunderstood grief for responsibility. Keep accountability clearly in view; it’s theirs, not yours.
10. Triangulated drama: gossip turned weapon
A snide comment among mutual friends, a vague-blame social media post, gossip intended to confuse and isolate: this is triangulated drama. It’s about controlling the narrative without facing you directly. Until it’s named and confronted, it plants resentment and divides your world. That’s exactly the point.
11. Withholding affection or information: emotional freeze to punish
This shows up as affection or communication being available only when you concede—or when you behave “correctly.” Need details or reassurance? You hear crickets. This emotional economy keeps you performing and second-guessing, time after time.
12. Denial and minimising: your feelings don’t matter
“You’re too dramatic,” or “You always take things the wrong way.” These phrases belittle and derail. What ends up happening is you talking yourself down—because your experience is called into question preemptively, before it can even be shared. Speak up anyway. Your feelings are valid, even when they aim to hide them.
13. Projection: accusing you of what they’ve done
It can feel surreal hearing accusations of lying, manipulation, or cheating—when that’s precisely what they’re doing. Projection is their protective screen, creating confusion and setting you off chasing your own tail. Name it to drain its power.
14. Conditional love & intermittent reinforcement: affection for hire
One day, you’re the person they can’t live without—then suddenly, you’re back to being the problem. Affection based on your compliance is a tool, not an expression. That on-and-off cycle creates emotional dependency because you’re always chasing the approval they earned with charm, not kindness.
15. Social media triangulation: public drama masked as vulnerability
That cryptic caption, that screenshot sent to mutual friends, that “confession” post—it’s all triangulation for a digital age. Messages are public, but conflict is private. That’s a calculated way to shift blame without conversation—and it muddies the emotional waters for everyone.
So, How Do You Respond?
| What You Can Do | Why It Helps |
|---|---|
| Name the patterns silently. | Naming them neutralises their emotional weight. |
| Pause and reflect. | Time out creates space for clarity. |
| Set micro-boundaries. | “Let me think on that” is a phrase with real power. |
| Reengage your support system. | Friends and family anchor you back into truth. |
| Journal what you observe. | A record of interactions grounds you when feelings get murky. |
| Practice clear communication. | Directness disrupts hidden agendas. |
| Seek validation externally. | Therapy isn’t weakness—it’s self-respect in action. |
Conclusion
Recognising manipulation is the beginning of reclaiming your life. Your emotions deserve legitimacy, your boundaries deserve respect, and your voice deserves amplification.
No apology is needed from the other person for you to choose clarity and safety. Growth isn’t linear, but every time you name a tactic, you give yourself more freedom.